The question of what it means to be a man is perhaps one of the most important questions we can ask ourselves, personally and as a society. It is not mere philosophical musing. Getting this right is quite possibly the key to solving most of our world’s problems.

Why? Because let’s face it, most of the problems of the world stem from a dangerous imbalance in our capacity to wield the awesome power of what being a man is all about.

We need to own the problem before we can solve it.

Men commit the overwhelming majority of violent assaults, murders, and assaults, and are responsible for having created most of the hostile and aggressive cultures that exist today. Not all, but close enough for it to be a wash.

But let’s take a step back first because I’m sure many of you are already pissed or want to stop reading.

This is not a man-bashing article. Quite the opposite. Keep reading.

I can hear the collective “but….but….it’s not my fault….”

It may not be your fault, directly, but as a proud member of the tribe of men, we need to recognize the faults of our tribe. Not with the aim of assigning blame, but of defining the problem and taking responsibility for the solutions the world needs. And let’s face it, chances are good we’ve each crossed a line or misused our energy in a way that has made someone uncomfortable or scared. I know I have.

But it’s not all doom and gloom, men. We are not broken, nor are we cursed. We are certainly not evil and most assuredly not “useless”.

We are distracted. We are scared. We are confused. We are divided. Most importantly, we are out of balance in a world trying desperately to knock us over, question who we are, and make us unhealthy and angry.

Balance is the key.

I’ve had countless conversations with women about the topic of masculinity, including with many who would consider themselves feminists, either “moderate” or on the more extreme end of the intensity spectrum, and the most common thing I experience during these conversations is surprise that I, as a relatively nice, balance guy can be a huge advocate of masculinity and of being unabashedly male – a Man.

How can one be kind, empathetic, honourable, safe, honest, strong, dependable and calm and be a “man’s man”? My gut churns every time I hear things like this.

And that’s the issue, right there. Fewer and fewer people are looking to men as leaders of our communities. The word “man” is more closely associated with the word “toxic” than “good.”

It is time to start looking at effective, healthy, powerful masculinity differently.

The world operates best when we are in equilibrium. Ecosystems thrive when in balance. This is also true of men. And this is where we’re failing.

Masculine energy exists and is immensely powerful. We cannot deny it. And like all powerful things, when in tune and used correctly, it is awesome, but when out of equilibrium, it is either woefully ineffective or phenomenally dangerous.

The biggest mistake we can make is to deny this energy; to pretend like it does not, or, more dangerously, should not exist.

So, going forward, we need to embrace this truth. Masculine energy is real and undeniable. It is, in and of itself, neither good nor bad. It’s like electricity. It has the power to illuminate, and it has the power to kill. It isn’t electricity that is good or bad, but how we use it.

The analogy I like to use (and forgive the phallic imagery) is that of a fire hose. Immature and dangerous masculine energy is like the firehose, open wide, with no one at the helm, whipping around indiscriminately, smashing into anything that comes too close. While this type of masculinity is indeed dangerous, it is also relatively obvious, and we try, as best we can, to stay away from it.

Far more insidious is the suppressed, passive man who subordinates his needs and desires all in a misguided attempt to make everyone around him happy, likely trying to deny essential parts of who he is. This is the firehose lying on the ground, the nozzle turned off, but with the full pressure of the water pressing against the valve, building up. It feels safe. People flock to this type of man, not realizing that at some point, without the opportunity to express himself and have his needs met, he will eventually be worn down and burst. The collateral damage is usually significant. People don’t see it coming.

The social neutering of masculinity is driving more and more men to these extremes, and no one benefits from this.

The goal, of course, is the embrace of what strong, mature, assertive and empathetic masculinity can offer us and to help men once again find confidence to express it effectively. This involves the open, safe expression of masculinity, which includes strength and leadership, but also emotional mastery, empathy, softness, and compassion. Picture a powerful firefighter controlling the firehose, knowing where and with what pressure to deploy the water, targeting it in a way that makes the world a little safer.

You get the picture. Let’s set the analogy aside.

Men. Each one of you has something powerful within you, and there is a very good chance that you are not deploying it effectively and/or responsibly. The majority of the “issues” that men bring to me as a coach or therapist are symptoms of the suppression of essential parts of what it means to be a man. Most hide or ignore their emotions (or have never learned how to articulate what they’re feeling) and are closed off to the ones around them. Sometimes it shows up through inappropriate aggression, and, more and more often these days, it shows up as a general shutting down and dissolution of personal boundaries. Neither ends well.

I’ll continue to write about this, but if you want to discuss how to engage your masculinity in a way that makes the world better, makes the people around you safer, and helps you reconnect with what it feels like to be alive, shoot me a note and we can chat about the many avenues available (from book recommendations, online men’s groups, relational strategies, coaching, or therapy – or a combination of the lot!).

It’s time to come alive, my brothers!